Christopher Stephen Soden
today today today
it was better today i thought to cook
macaroni and cheese with butter
and condensed milk and drove chloe
to the park where i sat on a shiny
painted blue wooden bench and let her
wander the length of the leash while i
took refuge in shades and black
surgical mask why havent i got any
stamina lately my knees and ankles ache
my neck is heavy i was raised by television
and watch for hours and make inane gags
and talk to mother knowing she is content
and vigilant and soaring on the far side
of the veil i welcome the spectacle
of lightning drumming and rolling and smile
to comfort my familars (though i wonder
if benevolent imperialism is humane)
and the rain is lovely when im settled in
my grandad used to say it was crucial to leave
the house at least once every day
for any reason you could find mailing
a letter or getting ice cream or circling
the lake it still helps to find something
truly defiant on the car radio i write now
to a casual friend who shares accounts
of impulsive sexual episodes though
hes not as intrepid as he sounds
finding another guy in the woods
who spits to make penetration
less excruciating but i still write back
i believe a routine (long shower
fresh bright island shirts cologne
two hours refining my poems)
would help rid me of this persistent
queasiness this dull thumping headache
this dread of something inexplicable
will i ever salvage my furious
sister will i have soap for laundry
what will i smear on sardines
will i reconcile with my also dead
father the starving bully i need
the crush of someone without grace
someone who will soothe me
with moist banana and dark red
pintos someone that will kiss me
without terror someone that wont
stop sobbing
—Submitted on 06/16/2020
Christopher Stephen Soden is the author of Closer (Queer Mojo, 2011). His poems have appeared in Assaracus, The Good Men Project, Rattle, The Cortland Review, The James White Review, and other journals, as well as in the a number of anthologies, including Collective Brightness: LGBTIQ Poets on Faith, Religion & Spirituality (Sibling Rivalry Press, 2011), edited by Kevin Simmonds; Face to Meet the Faces: An Anthology of Contemporary Persona Poetry (University of Akron Press, 2012), edited by Stacey Lynn Brown and Oliver de la Paz; and Gents, Bad Boys, And Barbarians (Alyson Books, 1995), edited by Rudy Kikel. He lives in Dallas.
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