Jessica Dawson
Florida Man Positive About Coronavirus
In what every news cycle has belabored
as unprecedented times, a man of great
and horrific legend emerges from the swamp
to worsen our troubled minds.
Florida Man remains unapologetically positive
as coronavirus cases flourish in the Sunshine State,
despite comprehensive scientific warnings
calling for stricter social distancing measures
and continued mask use.
“You see, I encourage people to get out there and walk
around the beach, sing into their neighbors’ mouths—
If you want to ride a manatee, hell, I won’t stop ‘ya!”
Citing “boredom” and “not having enough
bullets to shoot down all them hurricanes,”
Florida Man even took to cooking up a miracle cure
only a person from the state known as America’s Penis
could concoct: an illegal bathtub vaccination.
When asked about the remedy’s ingredients
Florida Man shrugged his shoulders, pulling
meth from his belly-button to offer our reporter:
“I let Jesus take the wheel on most my decisions.”
Although Florida Man has never been spotted
in a church—or wearing a shirt—
his religious toutings have gained traction in communities
where Four Loko is king and education is optionable.
During the time we spent with Florida Man
it was hard to not root for his misguided efforts,
even when those efforts involved squeezing an alligator
through a Wendy’s drive-thru window.
—Submitted on 08/30/2020
Jessica Dawson‘s poems have appeared in Cantilevers, as well as in the anthology From the Ashes (Animal Heart Press, 2019), edited by Amanda McLeod and Mela Blust. Originally from central Florida, Dawson lives in Chicago, where she is a rape crisis counselor.
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