Alana Hayes
I have a lot of anxiety
about sitting in movie theaters.
Probably because it’s a big dark box
that can fit too many people in it,
and all the exits live in the corners of the room,
trying not to be too obvious,
trying not to take too much attention,
but the only thing I can focus on is how they aren’t close enough.
Probably because I have this recurring nightmare
where a man walks into a movie theater
and starts firing off shots
just because he can.
I’ve had this nightmare about
337 times this year.
White man walks into a movie theater…
what’s he carrying? Have you heard this one?
Then you know the punchline.
Gun.
Gun goes off in a movie theater,
but we don’t call it terrorism.
Why not?!
Because I’m in terror.
The lights begin to dim,
I’ve been waiting to see Mary Poppins return for months.
My dad turns to me and smiles.
I look at him and try to calculate
all the ways I could get us both out of that dark box
safely, if a gun goes off.
I try not to imagine what failing would look like,
but I do anyway.
That’s how anxiety works.
I think about telling him how scared I am
like maybe he still has the power to chase all the monsters away,
Just like he did when I was little and he would tuck me into bed at night,
but I smile instead and turn back to the screen.
…and this is terror.
I’m trying to focus on the screen,
but my heart feels like it wants to pop right out of my chest,
and I can’t breathe.
I keep shifting around in my chair, trying to get all the nervous energy out.
…and, sometimes, when I’m out at the movies with friends
I text my parents, right before the movie starts,
and tell them, I love you.
Just in case it’s my last chance.
The Poet Writes: My name is Alana Hayes. I’m 24 years old and am a graduate of University of Maryland, Baltimore County, where I received a BA in English Literature and another in Women and Gender Studies. Most of my poetry revolves around themes of Judaism, feminism, and social justice issues. This particular piece focuses on the problem of gun control and mass shootings in America. Follow her on Instagram @womanasriot.
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