Colin D. Halloran
When the Devil Looks Like You
i.
I was raised in a Fox News household,
Rush Limbaugh on the radio when I got home from school,
Bill O’Reilly before bedtime.
ii.
The government taught me how to hate.
The rhythmic slash-slash-stab of the bayonet
into orange dummies whose slanted eyes hinted
that cadenced shouts of “KILL! KILL! KILL!”
had echoed here before.
iii.
My mental illness dragged the knife point
up my arms; deep, vertical grooves
later hidden by ink.
iv.
The Army taught me how to kill.
Assault rifles, crew-served, handguns,
hands, if need be. The Army taught me to kill.
And kill well.
v.
We are the suburban boys.
Florida, Texas, Ohio,
Colorado, Connecticut—like me.
Places with streets like Maple Ave
and Oak Ridge Road, where you know
the best candy is on Halloween.
vi.
I watch the news—it doesn’t matter
what channel now—and see myself.
A past that could have been.
vii.
My mental illness held the bottle to my lips
the knife edge to my wrists,
clutched the cell phone to my ear as I spoke
my desperate goodbyes.
But it never pulled the trigger.
Colin D. Halloran is a United States Army veteran who documented his experiences in Afghanistan in his memoir-in-verse Shortly Thereafter (Mint Hill Books, 2012), winner of the Main Street Rag Poetry Book Award. He is also the author of the poetry collection Icarian Flux (Main Street Rag, 2015). His poems, essays, and short stories have been appeared in many publications. When not writing, Halloran leads workshops that seek to promote personal and international healing and reconciliation through writing and the arts.
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